I can’t remember the last time I thanked God so much for the beautiful view. Sitting in my doctor’s office, trying not to feel uncomfortable and just wanting to run out and breathe in some fresh air, I could feel the frustration and confusion rising up inside of me. And all I could do was stare out the window and admire the view as I answered countless of questions about my diet, my lifestyle, my stress level, my personal habits and symptoms. The list went on as did the questions. It didn’t help that my new doctor had trouble smiling or even giggling a little bit at my silly comments. It didn’t help that I sensed a little bit of hostility in the air as soon I stepped into her office. It didn’t help that I was about to pay a very large sum of money to go through such an uncomfortable doctor’s visit. I could have been on vacation!
I practically ran to my car when it was over. I drove around town and just allowed myself to feel every single bit of frustration and even a little bit of sadness. There were still no answers for my health issues or the many questions that I had. I was faced with the harsh reality that I needed to wait some more time, spend some more money for tests and continue to pray.
Oh yes, praying. How could I forget that all-important verse in Philippians?
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
I would need to continue praying that God would help me find the answers or just miraculously heal me. I would have to pray for strength to get through this moment and every moment to come in this ongoing problem. I couldn’t help but think that God was at work. He was sitting there with me and listening. He was waiting for me to confess with my mouth once again – that His will is good, pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2). It was as if He knew that once I could do that my trust would be increased by just a little bit more and the healing could begin.
I saw myself, my real self, again in that moment. I saw that I had placed my faith in the wrong problem-solver again. I saw that I had allowed someone else to make me upset, not because they were unfriendly, but because I have this need to be liked by everyone. I’m still trying to please others. I’m still feeling inferior and comparing myself to others. These issues have a way of lurking in the dark corners of my heart only to come rushing out when provoked.
Yes, the events of that morning had left me feeling rattled. It took a while to calm down, but once I did I saw a glimpse as to why God had allowed it to happen. That one glimpse was enough. He wanted me to see that these real deep down issues still need mending. He wanted me to feel the weight of my sin, so that I could ask for forgiveness and release them from my grip into His hands.
And just as soon as I confessed, He began to teach me about sin. Not to shame me or cause me to feel hopeless about my own sinful nature, but to finally free me from it.
1 John 1:9 says:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
If and only if we confess, He is faithful because His one true purpose is to purify us.
So I took it all in and thanked Him once again as He lifted me out of my slimy pit and placed me lovingly back where I belong (Psalm 18:2).Walking in Grace,