The days were long as I waited for my daughter to be born. As my stomach grew and my morning sickness turned into a daily struggle, I was faced with the biggest decision that I had ever made in my career. Having worked right out of high school, I had rarely been out of a job in the past ten years. It was all I knew. I was determined to be a successful career woman ever since I could remember. It was my main reason for pursuing a college degree while working full-time. It was my only pursuit in life, but something was changing. In the Spring of 2007, I finally took a huge leap of faith and left my full-time job to be at home. I was six months pregnant.
My husband and I struggled and fought our way through so many ups and downs as we adjusted to being a one- income family. We had no idea if we would make it sometimes and the stress was difficult to deal with while pregnant. Still, nothing can prepare for you for the day when you finally meet your first child face to face. We knew that it was worth the struggles and sacrifices that we were making.
Looking back, I see the many ways in which my heart was still full of doubt. I doubted being able to afford staying home with my daughter. I doubted that my new life as her mom was really how God wanted me to serve Him. I wondered if I had what it took to be a good wife and mother. I believe the answers would have been there for me if only I had spent that time praying and really walking closer to God. Instead, I chose to pull away from Him. With fear in my heart I pushed God away and tried to navigate this new life on my own.
I’m so thankful that God continued to pursue me. He never let go of me even when I felt angry with Him over how things had turned out. Nothing had happened the way that I had planned and I was upset and confused about it. To make things worse, I wasn’t even aware that this was how I truly felt. I was pretending that everything was okay when it wasn’t.
I can still remember the day that I finally admitted everything that I was feeling. I had received an email from a friend and in it she had reminded me that God loved me. Remember that God loves you. I will never forget that. It seemed to come directly from God. I’m not even sure why she had included that in her email. But it was there. I could not stop thinking about that for days. The idea that God could love me even when I was so mad and bitter surprised me. I didn’t know what grace meant until that day.
In the weeks and months that followed, God used that to bring me closer to Him. I found God in the quiet moments as I held my child late into the night. I found Him most in the times that we were faced with challenges. He was always there, but I wasn’t where I needed to be yet.